The Rebellion
by LilyLupinSnape
Summary: President Snow bans alcohol so Haymitch sets out to rebel against the Capitol and kill Snow, along with Katness, Peeta, and others. Parody of Catching Fire and Mockingjay, sort of AU
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Citizens of Panem," President Snow began. "As of today, alcoholic beverages are hereby prohibited indefinitely."

"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Haymitch, who got to his feet and banged his head against the television. Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark watched in amusement.

"Oh yes. And for the Quarter Quell, The 75th Hunger Games, the tributes will be reaped from their existing victors." Snow added.

Haymitch continued sobbing on his knees in front of the television while Katniss and Peeta listened to the latest news in horror. There were only three existing victors from District 12 and only one was female.

"That means I'm going back into the arena." Katniss whispered in horror. Peeta put his arms around her.

"It's alright. If Haymitch's name gets called, I'm going to volunteer as tribute. To protect you."

"No, Peeta! This time it's my turn to protect you!" Katniss cried. They both turned to Haymitch.

"Do you realize what this means, Haymitch?" Peeta asked quietly.

"No…more…alcohol…"Haymitch muttered.

"Erm, Haymitch? Didn't you hear that announcement about the Quarter Quell?" Katniss asked with annoyance.

Haymitch turned and glared them. "Yeah, yeah. You and Peeta will be going in the Games again. If my name gets called, Peeta will volunteer as tribute. But you're Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mallark. You'll survive, of course."

Peeta rolled his eyes. "We should probably start training again."

"We've got to go fight back!" Haymitch suddenly shouted. "THEY WILL NOT TAKE OUR ALCOHOL AWAY FROM US!"

"We're both going to die in that arena," Katniss muttered to Peeta.

**(Suggestions and Comments Welcome!)**


	2. Chapter 2

On the train to the Capitol…

"Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall. Ninety-nine bottles of beer," Haymith sang sadly, as he swayed in his seat, then burst into tears.

"Please, just kill me now," Katniss moaned and covered her ears.

"Effie, you've got to help us." Peeta begged. "Haymitch is obviously not fit to be our mentor again."

Effie Trinket looked at Haymitch in disgust.

"This is the worst thing that's ever happened to this country," Haymitch sobbed.

Katniss smacked him. "Yeah. Much worse than sending children to die in the Hunger Games. Much, much worse," she replied sarcastically.

"Why don't you two review the tapes of the victors from the previous games and their strategies?" Effie suggested as she led Haymitch to his room.

"Good idea," Peeta muttered. He noticed one tape that said "50th Hunger Games—Second Quarter Quell".

"Hey, that's the year Haymitch won!" Katniss said, leaning over to look at the tapes. "There were twice as many tributes that year. I wonder what his strategy was."

Peeta popped in the tape. They saw all the reapings from the districts. Then the interviews, and finally on to the games. They saw many tributes die from the bloodbath on the first day. Finally, with only ten victors left, the focus of the tape was on Haymitch. They saw him sitting behind a tree drinking a bottle of beer.

"How did he get that bottle into the arena?" Peeta asked in astonishment. His question was answered when he saw Haymitch pull another bottle from the inside of his suit and gulped it down. He suddenly slammed it against the ground, breaking the bottle in half. They saw him savagely attack the remaining tributes with the broken beer bottle.

"I can't believe the gamemakers just let him do that," Katniss whispered in awe.

Finally there were only two tributes left. Haymitch and a girl from District 1. She chased him with an axe. He was able to hide from her for a bit. Haymitch grabbed another bottle from his suit and sipped his beer. Then he tossed the bottle of the cliff. To his surprise, it bounced right back. The girl from District 1 found him. He started backing away, and tossed the bottle over the cliff, but then it bounced right back and right into the girl's face, glass cutting the girl's eye. Haymitch used the opportunity to grab the ax and kill the girl. He was the victor.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 50th Hunger Games and 2nd Quarter Quell—Haymitch Abernathy!" Caesar Flickerman announced.

"Alcohol is a way of life!" Haymitch shouted victoriously, raising his broken bottle of beer.

Katniss and Peeta stared in disbelief.

"Haymitch discovered that the force field could be used as a weapon against the Capitol," Katniss muttered. "I bet Snow was pissed about that. Maybe that's why Snow killed his family not long afterwards. "

"No. He was pissed because I stole his supply of beer," Haymitch said, walking back into the room. "That's why he killed my family. And my girlfriend. That's why he didn't kill me. To set an example to other victors. DON'T MESS WITH SNOW'S BEER."


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm sorry, Katniss. President Snow specifically wanted you to wear this for the interview," Cinna said softly. It was a wedding dress. Katniss and Peeta were supposed to be pretending to be engaged.

Katniss frowned. "Have you seen Haymitch, Cinna?" she asked. "We haven't seen him since we got off the train."

"I haven't seen him either." Cinna replied as Katniss looked at herself in the mirror. "I've made some alterations. Make sure you twirl for Caesar. If he doesn't ask you, suggest it at the end of the interview."

* * *

"So, Johanna, I bet you never thought you'd be going back in the arena," Caesar Flickerman said to Johanna Mason, the District 7 Victor. "How do you feel about it?"

"It blows. Any more mind boggling questions, idiot?." Johanna replied angrily. She was wearing a "Bitch, I'm a Bad Ass And I Know It" t-shirt and an extremely short skirt.

"It's got to be illegal or something," Finnick Odair cut in, the District 4 Victor who was wearing an "I'm Sexy and I Know It" t-shirt and nothing else for the interview. He picked up a tiny compact mirror beside him and kissed himself.

"Can't we stop this somehow?" whimpered Beetee , District 3 Victor, who was wearing a t-shirt with the word "Neeerd!" running across it.

_The other prep teams really suck_, thought Katniss. _And where the hell is Haymitch?_

"How do you feel about it, Peeta?"Caesar turned to him.

"It's so unfair because Katniss is pregnant!" Peeta shouted, then wiped a tear from his eye. The Capitol audience gasped. Katniss rolled her eyes. He was so melodramatic.

"Stop!"cried a voice behind them. All the tributes and Caesar turned around. It was Haymitch.

"Katniss, get up and twirl for Caesar and the audience!" he panted. Confused, but figuring she would just roll with it, Katniss stood up and twirled around. The audience and Caesar gasped. Cinna did as well. As Katniss twirled, everyone could make out letters that spelled "BOOZE FOREVER".

"I didn't do that." Cinna said flatly.

"THEY WILL NOT TAKE OUR ALCOHOL AWAY FROM US!" screeched Haymitch.

Finnick glared at the audience. "Hello? Naked man from the waist down?"

Johanna punched Beetee. "Stupid nerd!"

The audience was still fixated on Katniss and Haymitch.

"Why me?" Katniss moaned.

"Attention whore," Johanna and Finnick both muttered as they glared at Katniss.

"You ruined my dress!" Cinna screamed at Haymitch, as he ran up to him and punched him in the face.

Haymitch was then dragged off the stage by Plutarch Heavensbee and…Boggs.

"Wait. ..you're not supposed to show up until the third book!" Katniss yelled to Boggs. He just smiled at Katniss, but his eyes fixated on Finnick.

"Come on!" hissed Plutarch as he dragged Boggs away by the arm. Boggs stared dreamily at Finnick, as Plutarch rolled his eyes and lightly punched Boggs in the arm.

Katniss turned back to Caesar. "Can I just die now?"


	4. Chapter 4

.

At the arena, Katniss looked around. _It's nothing but a beach and one single Palm tree. _She glanced at the other tributes. There were only Peeta, Johanna, Finnick, and Beetee.

_What the hell happened to the other 19 tributes?_ Katniss wondered as she looked around at them. Finnick Odair was stark naked. Beetee was wearing a bubble suit. The gong rang and the five tributes moved off their metal plates, grabbed their backpacks and ran off. Johanna chased Beetee, but she didn't try to kill him. She was trying to pop the bubbles on his suit. Katniss and Peeta stayed together but noticed Finnick was trailing behind them.

"Allies?" Finnick asked seductively. Peeta glared at him.

"Why are you naked?" Katniss demanded. "You'll freeze to death out here. "

"The Gamemakers think the ratings will be sky high this year." Finnick replied, spinning around.

"What ratings? What the hell are you talking about? Watching the games is mandatory viewing for everyone. What happened to Haymitch and Cinna? And why was Boggs at the interviews?" Katniss cried in frustration.

Peeta decided to change the subject. "Let's look in our backpacks and see what they've given us." They all opened their backpacks and found nothing but canteens in there. Except for Katniss, who found a bow and arrow along with her canteen.

"I wonder what they're filled with." Finnick opened his and took a sip. His eyes widened. He whispered something to Peeta, whose eyes widened as well and then turned to Katniss and whispered. "Booze!"

"That's all they've sent us?" Katniss shouted. "How will that help us?" Just then, Johanna and Beetee appeared. Johanna had her arm around Beetee. Beetee looked like he was in heaven.

"Don't walk straight ahead into that palm tree," Beetee said.

"Why would we do that?" Peeta asked.

"It's a force field that will kill you if you do. Let me deal with it. I'm well protected." Beeta replied, ignoring Peeta's question.

"How does a bubble suit protect you from being killed?" Peeta asked. "And what's with the canteens filled with…"

"Shhh!" Johanna shouted, as she covered Peeta's mouth with her hand. "Remember, everyone in the Capitol and Districts can hear you right now. " She looked a little tipsy as she turned and gave Beetee a passionate kiss.

"I have no problem with what they sent us," Beetee smiled, and kissed her back.

"What happened to the other tributes?" Katniss asked.

"They weren't important to this plot," Finnick replied, gulping down his booze.

"Well I'm not drinking this,"Peeta announced. Just then, a tiny parachute with nothing but a piece of paper arrived and landed on him. Peeta and the others looked at it.

_Are you out of your freaking mind, boy? Drink it!—H_

"Haymitch," Katniss muttered. "So he's alive after all. I thought he might have been taken prisoner or something after what he did at the interviews. Then she turned and yelled up at the sky. "Thanks for all your help, Haymitch!" A parachute with another note landed on Katniss's shoulder. She quickly scanned it over.

_Up yours, sweetheart.-H_

"The Gamemakers are really lacking in ideas this year," Katniss muttered, crumpling up the note. They all looked around at each other.

"I guess I should tell you about Annie Cresta," Finnick spoke up. "She's some crazy girl from my District, but I love her."

"Um, okay?" Katniss replied, as she looked at him oddly.

"This is going nowhere." Beetee whispered to Katniss. "Use your bow and arrow to shoot the Palm Tree."

"Why?" Katniss asked, as Johanna and Peeta wondered off to lie on the sand and get tans.

"We'll be able to escape the arena," he whispered. "Here put on my bubble suit. Johanna popped most of the bubbles, but it should still protect you."

Katniss put on Beetee's bubble suit and and aimed for the Palm Tree. The arena exploded.

When Katniss woke up, she was surprised to see Finnick and Beetee next to her, sleeping. Haymitch, Gale Hawethorne, Plutarch, and Boggs were there. Boggs kept stroking Finnick's hair.

"Where am I?" Katniss spoke up.

"We're on our way to District 13." Haymitch replied, sipping on white liquor.

"13? That was blown off the map years ago," Katniss replied. Then she turned to Gale. "What are you doing here?"

"Hey, Catnip. I came to help fight in the rebellion." He grinned at her.

"What rebellion? What's he doing here?" Katniss asked, pointing at Plutarch.

"Katniss, I've secretly been a part of this rebellion for years. I've known about Snow's plan to ban alcohol for ages and we just couldn't let that happen. "

"THEY WILL NOT TAKE OUR ALCOHOL AWAY FROM US!" Haymitch suddenly shouted, waking Beetee and Finnick.

Boggs smiled at Finnick. "Hello, gorgeous."

Finnick looked at him wearily, and then shut his eyes again.

"Why did you send us booze in the arena?" Katniss asked Plutarch.

"Johanna, Beetee, and Finnick knew about the plan to break you guys out of the arena from the beginning. Haymitch was too drunk on the secret supply of booze left to let you and Peeta know. The plan was for you to shoot the Palm Tree force field to break the arena so we could rescue you guys. The booze was for…well…why not?"

"Where are Johanna and Peeta?"

"They were picked up by the Capitol before we could get to them," Boggs replied. "We'll get them back."

"So if there is a secret supply left then why are we going to District 13? Why not go back to 12?" Katniss asked.

"Oh Katniss," Gale whispered sadly. "They've confiscated all the booze in 12 as well as all the other districts. We CAN'T go back to 12. Since the Capitol wants everyone to believe 13 doesn't exist anymore, no supplies are sent there and Boggs had to go to the other districts to get booze. We're running out of our secret supply here and there's still some left in 13. We've got to do something about Snow fast before all the alcohol is gone."

"What happened to Cinna?" Katniss asked. Boggs and Plutarch looked at her sadly.

"I'm sorry, Katniss. Cinna thought this rebellion was stupid so we had to kill him." Plutarch said softly.

"WHAT?" she screamed, as she sat up and glared at them.

"He just didn't understand how important alcohol is," Haymitch drunkenly replied. "You're either with us or against us. You understand, don't you?" He eyed her menacingly.


	5. Chapter 5 Revised

_I hate 13, _Katniss sleepily thought to herself as she woke up. _I want to go home. But what choice do I have? Snow wants me dead. Haymitch has basically threatened to kill me if I don't go along with their stupid rebellion against Snow for banning alcohol and the schedule here is absolutely ridiculous. _

She eyed her schedule for the day:

7:00—Breakfast

7:30—Kitchen Duties

8:30-10:30—History of Alcohol, Room 0.1%

10:30—12:30—Happy Hour

12:30-15:00—Reflection on What Alcohol Means to You

15:00-Rebels Against Prohibition Meeting

17:00—Dinner

18:00-23:00—Happy Hour

Someone loudly banged on her door and pushed it open before she could reply. It was Haymitch.

"Get up, sweetheart! It's a beautiful day out there!" She stared at him. _We're underground, you idiot, _she thought. He swayed as he walked over to her. It was only 6:30 in the morning and he was already drunk.

"I love this place!" he declared happily.

"I'm not hungry. I'm not going to breakfast, "she muttered. She didn't really follow the schedule but nobody really cared as long as she showed up for the Rebels Against Prohibition meetings. She made a habit of doing that, but only to make them think she wasn't being too difficult. However, nothing was ever accomplished during those meetings. All that went on was Haymitch shouting "THEY WILL NOT TAKE OUR ALCOHOL AWAY FROM US!"and everyone else cheering. They let her go hunting above ground during reflection time, but only because they stupidly believed that the animals she hunted were made of alcohol. She didn't bother troubling herself trying to understand or even care.

"Your loss!" Haymitch declared as he swaggered out the door, tripping over his own feet. Katniss sighed and planned to go back to sleep until Boggs and Plutarch walked in.

_I wish I had a lock for my door_, she thought with exasperation.

"Good morning, Katniss. We'd like you to make sure you don't miss the RAP meeting today,"Plutarch declared.

"Today you'll get to meet President Alma Coin, the leader of the rebellion," Boggs added. Katniss stared at him in disbelief. Boggs was wearing nothing but a thong.

"Er, Boggs? What's with the…"

"Oh this?" Boggs replied with a smile as he twirled. "I'm trying to impress Finnick Odair. Do you think he'll like it?"

Not for the first time, Katniss wondered if all of this was some bizarre dream.

"Does it matter?" she replied wearily.

Plutarch rolled his eyes at Boggs and turned back to Katniss. "We've got a plan to rescue Peeta and Johanna from the Capitol. They also have Annie Cresta, Finnick's girlfriend."

Boggs scowled.

"This doesn't make any sense at all!" Katniss exclaimed. "Snow wants me dead after the stunt with the berries in the first Games. Yet he did nothing about what happened during the interviews or the pathetic Quarter Quell. Why?"

"The truth is, Katniss, Snow was too busy having his own "Happy Hour" party to really care. See, Snow doesn't want to ban alcohol for the Capitol residents, only the Districts. And we won't let that happen." Plutarch replied sternly.

"THEY WILL NOT TAKE OUR ALCOHOL AWAY FROM US!" screamed a voice from the hall. It didn't take a genius to realize it was Haymitch.

"Good morning, Katniss," Finnick Odair replied, walking in stark naked. Boggs looked like he was in heaven..

"Oh, hey, Finnick. " Katniss muttered. She wondered if the entire population of 13 would end up in her room by 7:30.

"So why did they take Peeta, Johanna, and Annie?" Katniss demanded.

"Johanna is a big supporter of this cause. Beetee tells us the five minutes alone with her was the best five minutes of his life. He's devastated. Haymitch was planning on recruiting Peeta for drinking contests. As for Annie, I honestly don't know." Plutarch confessed. Boggs suddenly started whistling and looked down at his feet.

"Erm…well, spies for the rebellion in the Capitol tell us that Snow received a death threat from someone named Annie C., or something like that," Boggs replied. He pulled out a piece of paper and read from it:

"_Dear President Snow,_

_I will kill you. Please don't kidnap me._

_Love, Boggs. I mean, **Annie C**, District_ 4_ (Finnick Odair's girlfriend)"_

"So sad," Boggs replied, shaking his head. Finnick burst into tears. Boggs put an arm around him, and patted his shoulder sympathetically. Finnick glared at him and walked out of the room. Boggs sighed.

"He didn't even notice my thong," he said sadly.

"Can you all leave so I can get up and get dressed?" Katniss suddenly shouted.

"Sure, sure." Plutarch replied as he nudged Boggs to follow him out the door. "You might not want to miss breakfast today, though. We're having Screwdrivers with Oat Beer!"

"Oat Beer?" Katniss groaned.

"Oatmeal mixed with beer!" Boggs happily replied as he turned to Plutarch. "Race you to the dining room!"


	6. Chapter 6

"There's a special Command Meeting that President Coin wants you to come to during Reflection," Gale said to Katniss during breakfast that morning. Katniss didn't touch her Oat Beer or Screw Driver so she gave it to Gale who eagerly gulped it down. Haymitch was sitting with them and looked menacingly at Katniss.

"You could have given that to me," he growled.

Katniss sighed. "You'll have plenty of time for drinking during Happy Hour!"

"That doesn't start for another 3 1/2 hours!" he moaned. "And President Coin refuses to let me dip into the secret supply. She says I'm too drunk right now as it is, and it's only 7:15. I don't know if I can wait that long."

"Maybe they'll let you have a drink at the Command Meeting," Katniss said with annoyance.

"They won't. I know they won't. "Haymitch sadly replied then got up and left.

"Why does she want me there?" Katniss asked Gale.

"You'll see." He winked at her and got up to leave.

Katniss pinched herself to see if this was all some bizarre dream. She felt pain. Nope, I'm really here, she thought miserably.

Katniss walked into the Command Room. There, she found Finnick, Boggs, Plutarch, Haymitch, Gale, and a woman Katniss assumed must be President Coin. She was a very unattractive woman in her mid-50s. Finnick was naked as usual. Boggs was still in his thong, sitting next to Finnick who looked very uncomfortable. Gale was sitting next to Haymitch. President Coin stood up.

"Hello, Katniss. I'm President Alma Coin. Please have a seat." She ushered for Katniss to sit down in a chair right next to her.

President Coin briefly explained her story to Katniss.

Alma Coin and President Snow had once been married. Coin quickly realized that Snow never would have married her had he not been drunk because of how ugly she was. She bore him a child, but during that whole time she made sure that Snow was never sober. One day the unthinkable happened. Snow only drank 25 beers instead of his usual 60 so he was not as drunk as he usually was. Snow quickly realized how ugly Coin really was and banished her to District 13. He wanted her to take the child with her, but she wasn't really the motherly type so she refused. It would get in the way of her drinking. Snow left them alone because they had the materials to produce nuclear weapons and could always retaliate. However, Coin and the citizens of 13 never even bothered to learn how to use them because they all enjoyed their alcohol too much. They were fine for a while, relying on Boggs traveling to the other districts for their booze, until Plutarch realized a few years back about Snow's plan to ban alcohol in the districts.

"Why the hell wasn't I informed back then?" Haymitch demanded.

Coin sighed in exasperation. "What are you talking about, Haymitch? You were the one that suggested the rebellion!"

"No! I just learned about it a few weeks ago, when Snow made that announcement on the television!" Haymitch exclaimed.

Coins shook her head and popped in a tape from 2 years earlier. In it, she, Haymitch, Plutarch, and Boggs are sitting in the Command Room.

_"THEY WILL NOT TAKE OUR ALCOHOL AWAY FROM US!" Haymitch exclaimed. "We need to kill Snow!"_

_"Snow hasn't made any official plans yet, though," replied Plutarch. "He wants to make sure the Capitol has enough alcohol before he bans it from the Districts. It could take a few years before he makes the official announcement."_

"_So we have no strategy as to how to invade the Capitol .I say we start planning now for this. Nobody here is trained in combat. We need to be prepared," Coin said. Boggs is sitting next to her, but passed out and snoring loudly. _

_"I don't have time for this!" Haymitch yelled. "I'm missing valuable drinking time!" He walks out of the room as the tape ends._

"You really don't remember that?" Coin asked Haymitch, glaring.

"No!" Haymitch yelled. Coin rolled her eyes. Finnick kept pushing Boggs' hand away from his leg.

"Can we switch places?" Finnick asked Gale.

"Would this help?" Boggs suggested seductively as he stripped off his thong and was naked like Finnick.

"Odair and Boggs, go put some damn clothes on!" Coin yelled. "Plutarch, go escort Boggs back to his room." Finnick glanced at her gratefully as he stood up and left. Boggs looked miserable as Plutarch guided him out of the room. Boggs tried to follow Finnick but Plutarch yanked his arm and pulled him away.

"So you knew about this for a few years? And you still never came up with a strategy on how to invade the Capitol or how to use the weapons?"Katniss demanded.

"Well, no," Coin replied, a little embarrassed. "We were too busy drinking."

"Why do you even need me here?" Katniss cried. "I've only been drunk once and I don't think it'll ever happen again." Haymitch glared at her.

"Winning the Games has really messed with your brain, girl. Not that you had good judgment to begin with," Haymitch muttered nastily to her. "We'll fix that after we kill Snow."

"We need you because you're the only one who knows how to use a weapon, your famous bow and arrow," Coin replied to her.

"What about Gale?" Katniss asked. "He's a good hunter too."

"I'll be too drunk to be of any use," Gale replied solemnly.

"WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU?" Katniss screamed at him.

"Quiet down, Boozer Everdeen," Coin reprimanded.

"Boozer?" Katniss cried.

"That's our title for our citizens. Everyone here is referred to as Boozer. Isn't that right, Boozer Hawthorne?" Coin asked, smiling at him. Before he could reply, Boggs and Plutarch walked back into the room. Boggs was clothed, but he was wearing a t-shirt with a picture of him and Finnick on it. Katniss gasped. Finnick was in a wedding dress and Boggs was in a tuxedo. Boggs noticed Katniss staring.

"I made it myself," he replied proudly.

"Well, that's SOMEWHAT better, Boozer Boggs." Coin declared.

Boggs sighed unhappily as he took his seat next to Plutarch. "Why didn't Finnick come back?"

"How many times do I have to tell you, Boggs? Finnick has a girlfriend," Plutarch gently reminded him. Boggs pressed his hands against his ears and moaned.

"Can I PLEASE have a drink now?" Haymitch begged.

"Haymitch you already drank 30 beers before breakfast," Coin snapped. "And Happy Hour starts in 5 minutes."

"I don't know if I can last that long," he sobbed. Coin got out her chair and smacked him. Katniss laughed.

"Fine. This meeting is adjourned." Coin declared.

Haymitch jumped out his seat. "It's about damn time!"

"We didn't accomplish anything!" Katniss cried out in exasperation.

"No time for that! It's Happy Hour now!" Haymitch happily exclaimed as he ran out the door.


	7. Chapter 7

"We are the champions, my friends," Haymitch, Plutarch, and Boggs drunkenly sang, swaying side to side, with their arms around each other's shoulders. "And we'll keep on drinking to the end. We are the champions. We are the champions!" Suddenly Haymitch vomited all over Boggs as he stumbled and fell to the ground.

Katniss walked over to them in disgust. "Perhaps you've had enough," she told Haymitch as she helped him back up. Plutarch led Boggs away to be cleaned up.

Haymitch glared at her. "That sounds like something a Snow supporter would say." He looked at her suspiciously.

Katniss pushed him back on the ground. "What? I hate Snow! You know that! Why didn't you ever tell me before that District 13 still existed and that you've been here before?" She was referring to the tape that Coin had played.

"I've never been to District 13." Haymitch drunkenly mumbled. "Where's that?"

"YOU'RE HERE RIGHT NOW!" Katniss screamed in frustration. "Oh I give up!" She walked out of the room, leaving Haymitch lying on the floor, mumbling "Why wasn't I born here?" She decided to go talk to Beetee. He seemed like a reasonably smart man. Maybe he could think of a strategy about the upcoming invasion on the Capitol. Nobody else around here had a clue. She found him working alone as usual. He turned and smiled at her. "Hi, Katniss. You'll never guess what I'm working on!"

"Could it be a strategy to break into the Capitol's broadcasting with our propos?" she retorted.

"No! Drunk goggles!" He exclaimed gleefully as he held up a pair for her to see. She just stared at him.

"I don't get you, Beetee." She finally responded. "You're an intelligent man. Why would you waste your time on something like this? You never go to any of the Happy Hours or drink so why do you even care?"

"What makes you think I'm intelligent?" he answered in astonishment. "I wore a bubble suit in the arena, remember?"

"But you said..."  
"Anyway, "he interrupted. "They're for Johanna when we get her and Peeta back from the Capitol. That way she'll never have to see me when she's sober, even if she isn't drinking!"

"Why don't you give Haymitch a pair?" she murmured sarcastically.

"I offered but he said it's just not the same as really being drunk." Beetee explained. His exact words were, "That's like choosing to masturbate the rest of your life instead of having real sex."

Katniss shuddered violently and suddenly felt the urge to vomit. The thought of Haymitch and sex...suddenly Katniss lost control of herself and got sick all over the floor. She apologized repeatedly as Beetee helped her clean up the mess.

"When were you and Johanna even together?" Katniss demanded, a few minutes later. "Johanna punched you at the interviews. At the arena, you were away from Peeta, Finnick and me for only about 5 minutes and Johanna was popping all the bubbles on your stupid suit."

"When we opened our backpacks and found out what was in the canteens," he replied dreamily, closing his eyes. "It was the best five minutes of my life."

"Who is going to rescue Peeta, Johanna, and Annie? And when?" Katniss asked.

"Boggs and Plutarch are planning to, after they sober up. Finnick wants to go along, too, I think."He responded. Right on cue, Finnick burst in, wearing only a negligee.

"Hey, Finnick. Let's see about getting you some appropriate clothes, shall we?" Katniss quipped.

"Katniss, they won't let me go with them to the Capitol."He whined, ignoring her remark. "I've got to get Annie back."

"I'm so sorry, Finnick!" exclaimed Boggs, walking in with Plutarch. "It's too dangerous to risk your pretty face. Plutarch and I will be fine." He was all cleaned up and wearing a Team Boggnick t-shirt. He hungrily eyed Finnick in his negligee.

Finnick pouted. "Please, Boggs! I'll do anything!" he begged. Boggs's eyes widened with pleasure and started to speak but then Plutarch clamped his hand around Boggs's mouth.

"Sorry, Finnick. It's just not possible." He said softly, leading Boggs out of the room. Katniss could hear Plutarch whispering loudly, "Remember, Boggs. This was YOUR idea. It won't work if he comes along."

"I'm going to my room to see if I can sleep for the next few centuries," Katniss muttered.

Hours later, Katniss was awaken by a knock at her door. As was the usual custom of everyone in 13, Boggs just walked in before she had a chance to say anything.

"We're back. We've rescued Peeta and Johanna from the Capitol. Very unfortunate that we couldn't get Annie out," Boggs said to Katniss.

"Annie's not with you?" cried Finnick, appearing right on cue, as usual.

Boggs winked at Finnick. Finnick burst into tears and walked towards Katniss.

Katniss sighed. "Well, where are they?"

"They're in the hospital wing with Haymitch," replied Boggs, as he reached out to stroke Finnick's arm.

"Get...him...away...from...me," Finnick whispered fearfully to Katniss.

"Finnick...I'm sorry we couldn't get Annie. But the truth is she didn't want to come. She said she hated you and wished you were dead. She said you were the ugliest man she ever saw, but I said she was crazy,"Boggs said to him. "If there's anything I can do..."

Finnick glared at him. "Don't ever ask me to "reprogram your Holo" again!"He stormed out of the room.

"Wait! I can explain!" Boggs shouted after him and then slumped down against the door and started sobbing loudly.

Katniss rolled her eyes and got out of bed, lifting Boggs by the arm. "Come on. Let's go see them."

They were both shocked to discover Haymitch sobbing hysterically in the hospital wing.

"What's wrong, Haymitch?" Katniss wearily asked. "Is 13 finally out of booze?"

"It's Peeta." he whispered, wiping a tear from his eye. "The Capitol hijacked him."

"What...to kill me?" Katniss asked.

"No..."Haymitch muttered. "Much worse..."

Katniss turned to Peeta. "Hey ,Peeta. How are you feeling?."

"Alcohol is the root of all evil," he declared.

"Don't say that!" Haymitch shouted. "We've got to do something! Snow has poisoned our Peeta against us."

"I don't recall Peeta ever drinking," Katniss said.

"You don't know what you're saying!" Haymitch cried, shaking her. Katniss rolled her eyes again and looked over at Johanna. She looked terrible. Beetee was sitting next to her.

"Hey, Johanna." Katniss said.

"Haymitch, you've got to promise me that you'll kill Snow," Johanna whispered, ignoring Katniss.

Beetee nodded in agreement. "Without alcohol, Johanna won't touch me."

"And what about Finnick and me?" replied Boggs. "It's apparent now that without alcohol I don't stand a chance with him! We need Snow to die so we get more booze. We're starting to run low on our supply."

"We might have to kill Peeta, though." Haymitch whispered sadly. "I can't bear to see him like this."

_Why_ _is this happening?_ Katniss wondered for the millionth time, then turned and shouted at them. "Does anyone even care that Snow is a sadistic piece of shit who tortures and kills people and makes the districts send their children off to the Hunger Games to die?"

They all stared at her blankly. Peeta smiled at Katniss and kissed her. "I missed you. I've got to tell you that I'm now the president of Victors Against Drunk Mentoring."

"No! "screamed Haymitch. "I can't take this anymore!" He covered his ears as Boggs patted him on the shoulder.

"You mean Snow didn't torture you in the Capitol?"Katniss asked with a look of shock on her face.

"_HE_ wasn't tortured. But Snow forced me to look at naked pictures of Beetee. SOBER." Johanna bitterly answered and shuddered as Beetee looked down, sadly.

"We've got to act soon! And fast!" Haymitch screamed.

"Well, then let's start putting together a strategy to invade the Capitol," Katniss said.

"Too late! Happy Hour is here!" Haymitch declared and skipped out of the room.

"It's not Happy Hour yet." Beetee called after him.

"EVERY hour is Happy Hour for Haymtich." Katniss muttered.

Suddenly they heard a loud crash in the hallway. Katniss, Beetee, and Boggs quickly looked out the door to find Haymitch lying on the floor with a bottle of beer in his hand, snoring loudly.

"How did he get that beer so quickly?" Beetee gasped. "And he's already passed out!"

"You can't take my booze away from me." Haymitch was muttering in his sleep. "We're going to be so happy together, my love."

"Who is he talking about?" Boggs wondered.

"Maybe one day they'll legalize marriage between a man and his booze," Haymitch uttered, and then started snoring again. Katniss raised an eyebrow at Boggs.

"I think he might have a drinking problem," concluded a voice from behind them. It was Peeta, out of bed.

"Katniss, I'm fine, really."Peeta said to Katniss, hours later when they were alone. "Snow didn't do anything to me, except make me realize the dangers of alcohol and make me President of Victors Against Drunk Mentoring. I don't know why he'd do that, though. He was throwing wild parties every night with his friends from the Capitol. One time he got so drunk he put a lampshade on his head and stripped naked to pole dance." Peeta's eyes suddenly grew wide and he started screaming. "No! No! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

Katniss put her arms round him and tried to reassure him. "It's okay. He's not here. We're going to kill him."

"I don't know if I can face him after seeing him naked." Peeta confessed. "I'll have nightmares for the rest of my life."

"Right now we have to keep you away from Haymitch," she mumbled, more to herself but Peeta heard her. "He thinks you've been hijacked to hate alcohol." She added.

"But Katniss, I've never…"

"I know." She sighed. "Do you want to sleep here tonight? Maybe you won't have nightmares of Snow."

"Good idea," he replied as he snuggled up to her and fell asleep. Katniss sighed and wiped a tear from her eye_. Peeta may never be the same after seeing Snow naked_, she thought.

_But I've got to be strong and help him get through this. And there's got to be a way to get those idiots here in 13 to actually DO SOMETHING, instead of wasting their days drinking up their supply and complaining._ Suddenly she had an idea. _I'll ask Finnick and Peeta to help me in the morning_, she thought to herself sleepily. _This is the only way they'll get off their asses and actually do something._


	8. Chapter 8

In the morning, Katniss and Peeta knocked on Finnick's door.

"Go away, Boggs!" they heard him cry, a note of disgust in his voice.

"It's Katniss and Peeta," Peeta announced. "Can we come in?"

"Sure."

As they walked in, they noticed Finnick sobbing on the couch, still wearing a negligee.

"What's Boggs done this time?" Katniss asked as she sat down next to him. _Do I even want to know?_ Finnick scowled and showed Katniss and Peeta a piece of paper that looked like a wedding invitation.

_You are cordially invited to celebrate the wedding of:_

_Finnick Odair_

_And _

_Boggs_

_This Sunday, 15:00_

_Followed by Happy Hour_

"You know, sometimes I think Boggs is alright and then I see things like this," Katniss muttered in disgust after reading the invitation.  
"I can't believe he did this." Finnick moaned.

"Why didn't I get one?" Peeta asked dimly, with annoyance. Finnick and Katniss smacked him upside the head.'

"Number 1, you were in the Capitol until last night," Finnick said with exasperation. "Number 2, he just passed them out this morning, apparently. And Number 3…"

"So what's the problem?" Peeta asked blankly. "Did he misspell your name? Did he get the date or time wrong?"

"WE'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED, YOU IDIOT!" Finnick screamed at him. "You can be so dense sometimes, Mellark."

"I concur," Katniss muttered quietly, then a bit louder, "Don't you get it, Peeta? Finnick doesn't like Boggs that way."

"Well then maybe he should stop dressing like that." Peeta scowled, pointing to Finnick's negligee.

"What's wrong with how I dress or how I don't dress?" Finnick demanded angrily. "The fans like it."

"What fans?" retorted Peeta.

"Will you both shut up?" Katniss yelled. "We didn't come over here to argue. Finnick, you should get some normal clothes but that's beside the point."

"I miss Annie," Finnick confessed. "What if she's being tortured in the Capitol? I just can't believe that Annie wouldn't want to come here to be with me."

"I think she's okay," Peeta reassured him. "The last time I saw her, she was more horrified about seeing Snow naked." Suddenly, Peeta started screaming again. "Make it stop! Make it stop!"

"I guess I better tell you that Peeta is traumatized by seeing Snow naked." Katniss said sadly to Finnick, as she put her arms around Peeta to calm him down.

"Well, who wouldn't be?" agreed Finnick, shuddering. "I'd rather see Boggs naked any day."

"Your wish is my command!" a voice from the door happily exclaimed. It was Boggs, of course. And he was naked. Peeta glanced away uncomfortably, but Katniss had seen so much madness since being here that nothing fazed her anymore. _Just roll your eyes and sigh,_ she told herself.  
"Get out!" Finnick screamed at him. "I don't love you and never will!"

"Please don't say that!" Boggs begged. "I'm sorry about those wedding invitations. I sometimes let fantasy get mixed up with reality."

Finnick grew quiet for a moment, pondering this. "Perhaps...if Annie was brought back here just for her own safety of course, maybe, just maybe I'd be willing to "reprogram your Holo". He said with a suggestive smile.

"I'll have her back by tonight!" Boggs promised, jumping up and down happily. He ran over and planted a kiss on Finnick's cheek before running out of the room.

Katniss looked at Peeta. His jaw dropped. Katniss waited for him to start screaming again but he didn't.

"That gets rid of him for now, and gets Annie back here," Finnick chuckled.

"That's not right, Finnick. You lied to him." Peeta replied righteously. Katniss and Finnick gave him a Look.

"Do you think seeing Snow naked had any effect on his intelligence?" Finnick whispered to Katniss.  
"Says the guy that walks around naked or in negligees?" Katniss snapped back. They glared at each other for a few seconds. She had to admit that she thought Finnick had a point, but then again, who was he to criticize someone, dressing the way he did?

"I look good in my negligee," Finnick haughtily responded finally.

"I pledge allegiance… TO THIS BOTTLE OF DELICIOUS BOOZE!" a voice from the hall bellowed. Then they heard a loud crash and snoring. Peeta, Finnick, and Katniss looked at each other.

"If that isn't Haymitch out there, I'll give President Snow a passionate kiss on the lips when we get to the Capitol," Katniss quipped. They looked out the door. Of course it was Haymitch. Katniss rolled her eyes again and ushered them back into Finnick's apartment.

"Back to why we came here," Katniss continued. "Tonight, after everyone goes to bed, we need to rid this entire place of its last supply of booze. That's the only way we'll get these idiots to finally start accomplishing things."

"I agree." Added Peeta.

"You might be right," Finnick sighed. "Maybe when everyone is finally sober, they'll be able to angry enough to actually come up with a plan, instead of just talking about it. Let me just go change." He got up and walked to his bedroom. Moments later, he reappeared… in a bikini.

"Is this better?" he asked, innocently.

"Hey, we're twins!" announced a voice from the door. They didn't even hear him come in. He was so quiet for a change. It was Haymitch, wearing a bikini.

Katniss looked like she was about to heave. Peeta started screaming again. "Make it stop! Make it stop!"

"They say every girl is crazy about a sharp dressed man," Haymitch flirtatiously suggested to Katniss and winked. It took every ounce of strength she had not to vomit.

"Why are you wearing that?" Katniss finally exclaimed, a mixture of horror and disgust in her voice.

"There's a swimsuit competition in a few hours and I intend to win," Haymitch replied proudly, then turned to Finnick. "You don't stand a chance, Odair!"

"Bring it on!" Finnick demanded and glared at Haymitch.

"Did you know about this?" Katniss asked him.

"No, of course not." Finnick replied. "But who in their right mind would give their vote to Haymitch?"

"Who cares?" Katniss cried. "It's stupid!"

Peeta was sitting on the couch crying and rocking back and forth. "Make it stop! Make it stop!"

"First prize is beer!" Haymitch added proudly. 'I can't lose!"

While Finnick and Haymitch were arguing about the competition, Katniss pulled Peeta aside.

"New plan," she whispered to him, after she calmed him down. "When they have this competition, we sneak off and drain the place of their supply. We'll have to forget about Finnick. Maybe we can ask Gale to help us." Peeta nodded solemnly and followed Katniss out the door. Peeta started to turn back to say goodbye to Finnick and Haymitch but Katniss stopped him.

"Don't turn around. It'll just set you off again."

They went to find Gale.

He was in a bikini as well. "Hey, Katniss. Hey, Peeta. How's it going?" He called to them, as he examined himself in the mirror.

"Never mind, it looks like we're on our own." Katniss muttered and left with Peeta without saying anything to Gale.

Later that evening, Boggs returned with Annie. "We're back!" he announced, happily. "There was another Victor that was captured, and we got her back too!"

"Who?" Katniss wondered. "It was only Johanna, Finnick, Peeta, Beetee and me at the arena."

"Finnick! Annie cried happily, running into his arms.

"Oh, Annie, I've missed you so much!" he exclaimed, kissing her passionately. Boggs looked devastated. "Oh Finnick!" he sobbed. "You lied to me!"

Peeta whispered something to Boggs. His eyes widened and nodded, before leaving the room.

"What did you say to him?" Katniss asked out of curiosity.

"I told him about the swimsuit competition and that he should compete. I told him once Finnick sees him, he'll forget all about Annie and go back to him," Peeta responded, smiling mischievously.

"Why?" Katniss asked. _He's worse than I thought,_ she feared.

"That way he'll be distracted when we go steal the supplies." He winked at her.

They walked back to Katniss's room but when she opened the door she gasped. There was a woman who looked very familiar sitting on her bed.

Katniss walked slowly towards her, trying to remember where she had seen that face before. Before she could say anything, the woman spoke up.  
"Hello, Katniss."

Katniss gasped in disbelief. _No. It couldn't be,_ she told herself.

It wasn't a woman's voice that spoke to her. It was Cinna's. Cinna was sitting right in front of her, dressed as a woman.

.


	9. Chapter 9

"Cinna, I thought you were dead!" Katniss cried happily, tears running down her face.

"Why are you dressed as a woman?" Peeta asked.

"I had to disguise myself in order to come here and help you guys," Cinna replied. He motioned for them to sit down on the bed next to him.

"Plutarch said they had to kill you," Katniss said.

Cinna scowled. "Plutarch, Boggs, and Haymitch were all completely wasted when I told them this rebellion was ridiculous. Haymitch freaked out and hit me with a wiffle bat a few times, and then they dragged me in a closet and shut the door. They never bothered to lock it or even to come back and check on me. I heard Haymitch yell, "Well, he's dead! Let's go celebrate with booze!" And they never came back."

"Let me get this straight. They thought you were dead because Haymitch hit you with a wiffle bat." Katniss said slowly, trying to comprehend the idiocy of Plutarch, Boggs and Haymitch.

"I know," Cinna replied understandingly as he patted her on the shoulder.

"How did you survive?" asked Peeta, his eyes wide. Cinna and Katniss just stared at him.

"Seeing Snow naked has really traumatized Peeta," Katniss whispered sadly to Cinna. He nodded sympathetically.

"So you don't think we should rebel against the Capitol and kill Snow?" Katniss asked him.

"I do, but not for the same reasons Haymitch and his bunch want to. I think Snow is a cruel and inhumane person. We need to end the Hunger Games. We need a kind compassionate leader who treats everyone fairly. I've read in history books about the type of government they had in a country called America, long ago. It wasn't perfect, but it was a lot better than the type of government we have now. "

"Cinna, you're the only person in this story that actually MAKES ANY SENSE!" Katniss replied happily, hugging him.

Peeta scowled.

"From now on though," Cinna continued. "My name is Cinnamon and I'm a former District 1 tribute. I'll have to stay dressed like this to avoid letting Haymitch, Boggs, and Plutarch know I'm alive."

"Did Snow capture you? Boggs said you were with Annie when he rescued you guys. I don't get it. It all seems too simple. Nothing makes sense to me anymore,"Katniss moaned.

"Snow has been too busy drinking these past few weeks to really care about anything else. He's been throwing wild parties at his mansion every night. I was there to try to see if Snow would slip up and say anything incriminating when he was drunk, but it just got worse. He's not terrorizing the Districts right now with threats or Hunger Games, but he's appearing on television completely nude, which is creating a whole other type of horror for everyone. People are killing themselves to avoid having to see his naked body. Others are purposely putting harmful objects in their eyes, hoping it'll cause them to go blind. You know whenever the Capitol broadcasts anything on television its mandatory viewing."

"Wow," Katniss whispered in awe. "Do you think Peeta will ever be normal again?"

Cinna looked at him sadly. Hearing Cinna tell his story about Snow on television nude made him break down again.

"Find a happy place," Peeta muttered to himself, rocking back and forth.

"Only time will tell."

"The winner of the Swimsuit competition: Haymitch Abernathy!" President Coin announced.

Katniss, Peeta, and Cinna watched with amusement.

"What?" Finnick cried in astonishment. Annie patted him on the arm sympathetically.

"It doesn't make sense to me either, Odair. But EVERY SINGLE VOTE was for him," she replied, shaking her head in confusion.

"How is that possible?" Gale cried. "I demand a recount!"

"Haymitch must have tampered with the votes!" Finnick declared angrily and glared at Haymitch.

"I did not!" he growled. "Look at the handwriting on the votes. Each one is different. If I tampered with them, they would all be the same, wouldn't they?"

"RECOUNT!" Gale screamed again.

"No!" Coin shouted. "This whole thing is ridiculous anyway. I don't know why I even bothered to host this. Oh yes. I have nothing better to do. Here's your prize, Haymitch."She tossed him a six-pack of beer.

"I LOVE YOU, SWEET BOOZE!"Haymitch cried happily as he skipped out of the room with it.

Beetee whispered to Katniss, "He threatened to kill every single person who didn't vote for him. That's how he won." Katniss nodded, not surprised in the least.

"Don't worry, Finnick. You'll always be a winner in my book," Annie said sweetly to him as she wrapped her arms around him.

Boggs burst into tears and tore off his bikini.

"Boggs, I've got a confession to make,"Plutarch said to him. "I've been in love with you for years. Finnick isn't right for you. I'm the man for you, don't you see that?"

"I wish we had popcorn," Katniss whispered to Cinna. "This is turning into a soap opera."

"Plutarch is right," Finnnick said to Boggs. "You deserve to be with someone who really cares about you. I'm sorry, but I've been in love with Annie for ages."

Boggs wiped his tears and looked at Plutarch. "You…really…love me?"

He nodded. "I do." He got down on one knee. "Boggs, the man with no known first name, will you do the honor of marrying me?"

"Yes! I will!" Boggs exclaimed happily as everyone cheered.

"Annie, will you marry me?" Finnick asked, getting down on both knees. To Plutarch, he said, "Ha! Both knees! I win!"

"Yes, Finnick!" Annie gushed.

Peeta wiped tears from his eyes. Katniss rolled hers. Cinna and Beetee were reading a book called Mockingjay. "This 'Beetee' guy is really smart. I wish I could be like him." Beetee whispered to Cinna.

"We could have a double wedding," Plutarch said to Finnick.

"Yes!" he agreed, and then they turned to Coin. "Will you do the honor of marrying us?"

"Why the hell not?" She muttered.

"Wait!" Haymitch cried drunkenly, swaggering back in. "Triple wedding!"

"Who would marry you, Haymitch?" Coin sneered.

"She would," he said proudly, holding up a bottle of beer.

"Haymitch, do you honestly expect me to marry you to a BOTTLE OF BEER?" Coin exasperatedly cried.

"Why not?" Haymitch bellowed. "Our love is just as pure as…."He collapsed on the floor.

"This plot just keeps getting more and more ridiculous," Katniss whispered to Cinna. He nodded. Peeta was crying.

"Oh, I want to make sweet, sweet love to you, my darling," Haymitch muttered as he kissed the bottle.

"Alright!" Coin snapped. "Fine! You can marry that damn bottle if you promise to leave right after. I don't even want to IMAGINE the things you'll do with that bottle."

"Thank you!" Haymitch cried happily, struggling to pull himself back up.

"Finnick and Annie, I now pronounce you husband and wife," Coin said hurriedly. "Plutarch and Boggs, I now pronounce you husband and….husband. Haymitch and Bottle…"  
"Her name is Emily," Haymitch snapped.

Coin hit herself on the head repeatedly. "Fine." She sighed. "Haymitch and "Emily", I now pronounce you husband and..."

"Booze!" Haymitch finished for her.

"Fine. Husband and Booze. I'm getting out of here. I need a drink after all this," Coin muttered and walked out of the room.

"Time for the honeymoon!" Haymich exclaimed happily as he walked out of the room, carrying his bottle of beer like a baby.

Peeta cried again. "Weddings always make me cry." Cinna handed him a handkerchief.

"I'm going to be sick," Katniss moaned. Cinna pattered her on the arm.

"Let's get out of here," Cinna suggested. Katniss , Peeta, and Cinna glanced at everyone. Finnick and Annie were dancing happily, as well as Plutarch and Boggs. Everyone was cheering for them. They walked out and went back to Katniss's room.'

"Tonight, after everyone goes to bed, we set our plan in motion," Cinna said when they got back to the room. "But do you have any idea where the supply is hidden?"

Katniss rolled her eyes. "Most of it is in the refrigerator in the cafeteria. "

" Hmm…There's got to be more," Cinna mused. "From what you've told me, it seems like this place has an endless supply."

"Boggs said we were starting to run low," Katniss replied.

"Maybe Coin is hiding it in her bedroom?" Peeta offered. Katniss and Cinna considered this.

"You might be right. But then how do we get in her bedroom to steal it, without waking her up?" Katniss wondered.

"Katniss, do you think I'm an attractive man?" Cinna asked suddenly. She looked at him, startled by the question. He was still dressed a woman.

"Erm, sure," she replied, confused, wondering where he was going with this.

"I have an idea on how to distract her. It's not going to be fun, but we all have to make sacrifices sometimes," Cinna shuddered as he explained his plan to Katniss and Peeta.


	10. Chapter 10

"Coin has never seen me before," Cinna explained to Katniss and Peeta. "Well, at least when I'm not dressed as Cinnamon. I'll distract her, after Happy Hour, while you two sneak into her room and look for the supplies. "

"Cinna, you're not going to sleep with her, are you?" Katniss asked, horrified.

"I really don't want to," he confessed. "But if that's what it takes…"

Katniss and Cinna bowed their heads down in a silent prayer.

"Katniss, there's something I have to tell you," Beetee whispered to her during Happy Hour.

"What, Beetee? Did Johanna take off her drunk goggles?" she replied sarcastically.

"Well, yes," he admitted sadly. "And she's decided to be with Gale instead."

"WHAT?" she yelled.

"But we have a bigger problem. I discovered something. You see…"

"Beetee, I need your help. Come with me. NOW!" Coin demanded, walking in. His face turned white with terror but he obediently followed her.

"I want to recite a poem!" Haymitch announced drunkenly. He sang to the tune of "I Got You Babe"

_They say I have a drinking problem and I don't care if that's all that's true _

_'Cause you got me, and baby I got you_

_Booze._

_I got you booze._

Then he collapsed on the floor and started mumbling about wondering if there were such things as naked pictures of booze bottles in pornography magazines.

When everyone was asleep, and Cinna was distracting Coin, they proceeded to Coin's room. There was a note on the door that said "Trespass in Here and You'll See President Snow Naked", but the door was unlocked. Katniss and Peeta looked at each other.

"I don't think I can go in," Peeta confessed fearfully. Katniss groaned.

"Peeta, she hates Snow. Why would she keep naked pictures of him? That's just to scare everyone away."

"Didn't you say she was married to him once? Maybe she never got over him."

"Fine. I'll go in first and make sure the coast is clear." She opened the door slowly and peered in. No signs of any pictures of Snow.

"It's alright, Peeta. I was right. It was just a sign to keep people from coming into her room." They walked into the room. There was a bed and a small refrigerator. They looked into the refrigerator and were shocked to see only one bottle of beer.

"Weird," Katniss mumbled. "Well, let's dump it anyway." She went into Coin's bathroom and dumped it down the drain. "Come on. Let's go to the kitchen." There were only two bottles left in the refrigerator. They quickly dumped them down the drain. They spent most of the night thoroughly searching the entire place and found nothing else.

"Well, Boggs was right about running low on supplies," Katniss admitted, shaking her head in astonishment. "You'd think they would have rationed the supplies more carefully instead of spending most of their waking hours drinking during Happy Hours."

"This was too easy," Peeta admitted. They both went back to Katniss's room to get a little sleep, although it was already 6 am.

An hour later, Katniss and Peeta woke up to everyone screaming and panicking.

"Do you think Snow may have bombed 13?" Peeta asked her. Suddenly the door flew open and Haymitch barged in. He was stark naked.

"MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!" Peeta started screaming. Katniss put her arms around him, telling him it was all a bad dream. _Maybe it really is,_ she thought hopefully.

"It's terrible!" Haymitch moaned, sobbing. "WE'RE ALL OUT OF BOOZE! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" He then flung himself on the bed, right between Katniss and Peeta. Katniss gave him a disgusted look.

"Keep your eyes closed," Katniss muttered to Peeta.

"Don't you still have Emily?" Peeta asked him, squeezing his eyes shut.

"SHE'S GONE TOO! I DRANK HER LAST NIGHT!" he sobbed as he flung his arms around Peeta.

"Stop it! Get out of this bed, Haymitch!" Katniss cried and tried to push him off the bed.

"Let me stay with you guys, please!" Haymitch begged. "I'm afraid I might kill myself."

"Okay, but you have to sleep on the couch." Peeta said. Katniss glared at him.

"No deal. There's room for all of us in this bed." Haymitch said.

"Katniss is practically falling off the bed." Peeta told him.

"Katniss can sleep on the crapper! "Haymitch shouted.

"It's my room!" Katniss yelled back.

Suddenly, Plutarch and Boggs barged into the room. They were naked as well.

"Come quickly, there's an emergency meeting in the Command Room." Plutarch demanded.

"Why isn't anyone wearing clothes?" Katniss yelled.

"We're completely out of booze," Boggs replied sadly.

"That doesn't explain why you're naked," Katniss demanded.

"Doesn't it?" Plutarch asked. "Come on!" Katniss and Peeta got out of bed. Katniss pulled out some duct tape and put it around Peeta's eyes.

"I'm sorry, Peeta. It's for your own good right now." She whispered. Haymitch was still naked in the bed, sobbing and kissing one of the pillows. "Oh, Emily, my lovely booze. I miss you so much!"

"We're going to have to burn those sheets and pillowcases later." Katniss muttered. "And maybe the mattress, too."

"It's finally happened," Coin announced, as they took their seats in the Command Room. But she had the look on her face of someone who finally got laid after a 7 –year dry spell. "We're completely out of booze."

_Oh Cinna,_ Katniss thought sadly. _I'm so sorry._

"Here's the plan." Boggs said his arm around Plutarch. "We take the Hovercraft to the Capitol. We walk to Snow's mansion. We knock on the door. When he answers, Haymitch shoots him with Katniss's bow and arrow." He grinned, obviously pleased with himself.

Katniss, Finnick, Peeta, and Annie stared at him in disbelief.

"After we kill Snow," Boggs continued, "I think we should stop at that place that makes those delicious burgers. "

"Brilliant." Plutarch said to him.

"It all seems way too... simple." Finnick admitted.

"We could always get milkshakes too," Boggs reassured Finnick.

"And fries. Don't forget fries!" Plutarch cried.

"What could possibly go wrong?" Boggs exclaimed happily. "It'll be the best night ever!"

"I think there are some tiny flaws in this plan," Peeta remarked, still with the duct tape over his eyes.

"You're okay with this?" Katniss cried, turning to Coin.

"AND THEN I'LL STAB HIM IN THE FACE WITH MY KNIFE! I'LL CUT HIS EYES OUT! THAT'LL TEACH HIM TO MESS WITH MY ALCOHOL!" Haymitch screamed, barging in, and started throwing chairs

"Get him out of here before he hurts someone!" Coin demanded. Two guards escorted Haymitch out of the room, as he continued to scream "'THEY WILL NOT TAKE OUR ALCOHOL!"

"Maybe we should bring a gun," Plutarch volunteered.

"I almost forgot." Boggs added. He leaned down and pulled something from underneath the table. "We have this!" It was a wiffle bat.

"You, my friend, are a genius!" Plutarch exclaimed and then kissed Boggs passionately.

"There's something else!" Plutarch said when he finally broke free from Boggs. "It's the costume Haymitch will be wearing when we go." He pulled it out from under the table.

They stared at it. It was a robot costume.

"Why will he be dressed as a robot?" Finnick asked.

"Not just any robot," Plutarch replied proudly. "Bender. The face of rebellion."  
"Who the hell is Bender?" Katniss snapped.

"He's that drunken robot from that old show Futurama that was on back in the early 2000s" Boggs replied. "He's the perfect role model for us all."

"Futurama? Old show? What the hell are you talking about? How would you even get access to that anyway? That was over a hundred years ago!" Katniss yelled.

"Beetee was able to invent a time machine that let us go back in time to get us these DVDs of old television shows," Coin replied.

"So you had access to a time machine, yet the only thing you did was go back in time to get things called DVDS from old television shows?" Katniss asked with exasperation. "Why don't we use it to…"

"We can't." Coin said sternly. "Beetee died this morning. And the time machine was destroyed before he died."

"Beetee's dead?" Finnick, Peeta, Katniss and Annie cried in unison.

"I'm afraid he didn't want to live without Johanna," Coin said sadly, but Katniss could tell by the look in her eyes that she was lying.

_Beetee wanted to tell me something yesterday,_ Katniss remembered. _And then Coin dragged him away. I didn't see him again. Something's not right about this. But then again, this whole story is ridiculous so why should I be surprised?_

"This meeting is adjourned for now," Coin said abruptly. "You're all dismissed."

"Was Cinna at the meeting?" Peeta whispered to Katniss as she held his hand and guided him out of the room.

"No. He never came back, either." Katniss replied, frowning. "I'm really worried."


	11. Chapter 11

Katniss and Peeta went back to her room, only to find Haymitch laying on the bed, completely naked, and snoring loudly.

"Can I take this duct tape off of my eyes now?" Peeta asked, reaching to rip it off. Katniss quickly stopped him.

"No. Believe me, it's better this way right now." She replied. She ran into the bathroom, filled a bucket with water, and then dumped it on Haymitch.

"WHAT THE….WHO? WHY?" Haymitch yelled as awoke then glared at Katniss.

"Snow sent you to do this, didn't he?" he growled menacingly at her. Katniss threw up her hands and screamed.

"DAMN IT, HAYMITCH! I'M NOT GOING TO EVEN JUSTIFY THAT WITH AN ANSWER! JUST GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"

"Why are you blindfolded, boy?" Haymitch asked Peeta curiously, sitting up.

"Take a look at yourself and you'll know the answer," Katniss spat back at him. "Now get out. Go stay with Plutarch and Boggs, if you really insist on not being alone."

"I'm too tired to walk all that way," he mumbled.

"THEY'RE 20 FEET AWAY, RIGHT ACROSS THE HALL!" Katniss cried. _ I wish I were back in the Games,_ she thought. _They were so much easier than trying to figure out this bizarre situation._

"Did somebody call us?" Plutarch asked, walking in with Boggs. He looked at Haymitch and shook his head sadly. "Poor thing. I don't think he'll be up to shooting Snow. Katniss, it looks like you'll have to wear the Bender costume and do the job."

"I'll gladly do it, but why do I have to wear that stupid costume?" Katniss moaned in exasperation.

"Can I please take this duct tape off my eyes?" Peeta begged. Haymitch was lying naked on the bed. Plutarch and Boggs weren't wearing any clothes either.

"No, Peeta." She sighed. "I think by the way things are going it'll be better for you to stay blindfolded for the rest of this story." He pouted, but didn't say anything.

"I think we've got a plan. When we get to Snow's mansion, you shoot him with the bow and arrow. Plutarch will bring his gun. I'll carry the wiffle bat."Boggs said.

"I'm not going to even ask why we need all three of those things, especially that wiffle bat, but will you guys PLEASE put some clothes on?" Katniss begged. They pondered this for a moment. Then Plutarch pulled Boggs aside and whispered something to them. They whispered back and forth for about five minutes before Plutarch responded, "I'm sorry, Katniss. But no. We can't."

"Have you guys seen Cinna?" Peeta asked. Katniss smacked him. They were supposed to think Cinna was dead.

"Yes, we've seen him," Boggs replied. "I don't know why he's dressed as a woman though."

"He said you guys tried to kill him!"Katniss cried.

"We did?" Boggs looked at Plutarch doubtfully. Plutarch shook his head in confusion.

"Why would we kill him?" Haymitch muttered from the bed.

_They don't even remember tossing him in the closet or even care. Poor Cinna went through all that trouble of disguising himself as a woman for nothing,_ Katniss thought.

"Oh, I remember!"Haymitch exclaimed as he struggled to sit up. "I think it was because he wouldn't sneak into Snow's mansion and steal booze for us! No, wait…"

"Never mind," Katniss snapped then turned to Plutarch and Boggs. "Get him out of here, please." Plutarch and Boggs dragged Haymitch by the legs and pulled him out the room. As they left, Katniss and Peeta heard Haymitch say, "Was Cinna the guy with the blue hair who does the interviews?"

"Where is he?" Katniss cried after them. But they didn't answer. She turned to Peeta and guided him out of the room."Let's go get Finnick and Annie."

A few minutes later they headed down to the room on the lowest level that Beetee worked in. _Or rather, made those stupid drunk goggles,_ Katniss thought to herself. There was a lot of complex equipment in the room that nobody had any idea how to use. Finnick spotted an envelope addressed with Katniss's name on it.

"Look at this," he said as he gave it to her. The front of the envelope read:

_Katniss, do not open this envelope until you see President Snow. The letter inside contains major spoilers for this story and is the reason I'm dead. Love, Beetee_

"But how did he write that, then?" Annie asked in astonishment.

"Don't trouble yourself trying to understand this, Annie," Katniss replied, sighing. "You'll drive yourself almost as crazy as I'm getting."

"Well, Boggs said we're going to leave in about 45 minutes," Finnick said, his arm around Annie, who still looked bewildered. "We should probably try to find Cinna, Gale, and Johanna.

They found Gale and Johanna making out in the dining room.

"I guess we'll go," Johanna muttered, moments later after she pulled away from Gale. "But Gale and I will miss valuable make out time."

"You don't sound too enthusiastic," Katniss told her and glared at Gale.

"Why are you glaring at me?" Gale replied angrily. "It was so obvious from the beginning that you and Peeta would end up together."

"He has a good point," Peeta pointed out.

"Is everyone ready to go?" Plutarch asked, walking in with Boggs and Haymitch. Haymitch was wearing the Bender costume after all. Plutarch and Boggs were still naked.

"If they're going to be naked for the rest of this story, I'm putting my negligee back on." Finnick announced. "It'll make the fans feel better." He quickly stripped off his clothes and put on the negligee instead. "Do I hear fan girls sighing?"

"Whatever," Katniss muttered. "Did anyone find Cinna?"

"I did!" Haymitch announced proudly and held out a book for Katniss to see. It was _Where's Waldo?_ He opened the book to the page where he found him.

"Do you think Coin killed Cinna? I know she killed Beetee. I'm sure of it." Katniss whispered to Peeta, ignoring Haymitch.

"Maybe he killed himself after sleeping with her," Peeta said sadly.

"WHAT!" Boggs and Plutarch exclaimed.

"Cinna slept with Coin? Has he lost his mind?" Boggs cried.

"How did you guys hear that?"

"That's disgusting, sweetheart. How can you say such filth? You must have lost your mind," Haymitch snapped.

_Says the man who married a bottle of beer, _Katniss thought.

"Everyone shut up now and listen up!" cried a voice from the door. They all turned and gasped. It was President Snow.

"Damn it. Now we're going to miss the burgers and fries," Boggs moaned miserably.

"I don't think this is where the story is supposed to end," Peeta added.

Haymitch, in his Bender costume, walked slowly over to Snow. He looked at Snow, menacingly for a second. Snow just smirked and stared back.

"Do you have any booze on you?" Haymitch finally spoke.


	12. Chapter 12

"Haymitch, you're supposed to kill him!" Finnick cried. Hearing this, Haymitch glared and pointed his bow and arrow at Snow, but Snow held up his hand.

"Not before you hear what I have to say," Snow said, a grin spreading across his face.

"YOU WILL NOT TAKE OUR ALCOHOL AWAY FROM US!" Haymitch screamed. Plutarch and Boggs nodded, holding up their gun and wiffle bat.

"I'm confused. I thought I was supposed to kill him now," Katniss commented, not really caring anymore.

"Why don't you open up that envelope you're holding, Miss Everdeen?" Snow replied, his eyes gleaming with amusement.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever." She mumbled and opened it up.

"Read it to us," Snow demanded.

"_Katniss, I discovered that…"_

"Stop! It's a lie!" called another voice from the door. It was President Coin. President Snow shook his head in mock sadness at her.

"Where's Cinna?" Katniss demanded, forgetting about the note for a second.

"He's tied to my bed," Coin replied, her face flushed. "But that's not important right now. What is…"

"President Coin lied to you all," Snow announced. "That booze you were all drinking over the past years? It was NON-ALCOHOLIC!" Everyone gasped.

"Why are you here?" Peeta asked. His eyes were still covered with duct tape.

"You fools!" Snow laughed. "There have been cameras in 13 all these years. I knew EXACTLY what you all were up to! Every single one of you…"

"Oh no," Boggs whispered to Plutarch. "Do you think he saw us…"

"I saw everything!" Snow laughed, turning to Boggs and Plutarch. The he shuddered.

"Why didn't you do anything sooner?" Katniss demanded.

"Why? Because you imbeciles were never a real threat. Really? A wiffle bat, Boggs?" Snow turned to him. He bowed his head in shame.

"He's lying!" Coin cried again.

"Am I?" Snow sneered. "Finish the letter, Miss Everdeen."

Katniss sighed and continued reading it.

"_Katniss, I discovered that all the supposed alcohol here in 13 is really has no alcohol whatsoever in it. I did some tests. Yeah, I wasn't just wasting my time making stupid drunk goggles for a woman who could never really love me…"_

Johanna bowed her head.

"_Coin was the only one who had any access to alcoholic beverages. She was saving it all for herself."_

"You mean we've been getting drunk off of non-alcoholic beverages all this time?" Boggs cried angrily, staring at Coin.

"Look at you all! Look how pathetic you all act when you _think _you're drunk! You can't accomplish anything! Can you imagine how much worse it would be if you actually _had_ any alcohol?" she cried, her eyes darting around the room. Everyone was silent for a moment.

Then Haymitch raised the bow and shot the arrow directly into Coin's skull, as she dropped to the ground. Dead.

Snow burst out laughing.

"Are you still planning on banning alcohol in all the Districts?" Haymitch growled menacingly, turning to Snow.

"Of course," he replied, with a grin.

Suddenly Snow was dead on the floor, too. Plutarch had shot him in the head.

"That'll teach them to mess with our alcohol!" Haymitch exclaimed. Everyone but Katniss and Peeta cheered.

"What's going on?" Peeta whispered to Katniss. "Can I please take this duct tape off?"

"No," she whispered back, eyeing Plutarch and Boggs, still naked. "Believe me, its better this way.

"Let's go take the Hovercraft to the Capitol for some burgers, fries, and milkshakes!" Boggs cried, as everyone followed him out the door, happy that Coin and Snow were dead and they could all have their alcohol back.

"Wait! Let's not forget Cinna!" Annie cried.

They found him tied up in Coin's bed.

"It was so horrible," he moaned. "The things she made me do." They quickly untied him and headed to the Hovercraft, cheering that they could have alcohol again.

"Is this all a bad dream?" Peeta asked Katniss.

"I sure hope so," she replied, shaking her head in disbelief.

Epilogue:

Cinna became President of Panem and things changed for the better. There were no more Hunger Games. Annie and Finnick had a baby and moved back to District 4. Plutarch and Boggs opened a fast food restaurant in the Capitol, which, of course, served alcoholic beverages. Gale and Johanna moved to District 2, though neither of them was from that District. Gale said that intuition told him they had to move to District 2. Haymitch, Peeta, and Katniss went back to District 12. Haymitch opened his own bar, but it quickly went out of business as Haymitch was his own number 1 customer and didn't make any money. Cinna made sure all the Districts had plenty of booze, though he personally never drank. Peeta eventually got better, with Katniss's help. The nightmares of seeing Snow, Haymitch, Plutarch, and Boggs slowly faded away. Katniss and Peeta had two children and they were happy for a long time. One day, years later, Cinna sent Peeta a letter with some shocking news. In it was evidence that Peeta Mellark was the biological son of Alma Coin and Coriolanus Snow.

"Oh my god," Katniss whispered in disbelief.

"MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!"Peeta screamed. He hadn't screamed that way in years. The children looked terrified.

"I got married again!" cried a voice, barging in without knocking

. Haymitch of course. He held up a bottle of white liquor. It had a wedding dress around it.

_I guess some things never change,_ Katniss moaned to herself.

The End.


End file.
